we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am one with the molecules
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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