theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm just crazy horny about you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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