Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
