he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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