just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
