My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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