Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
