It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
