My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
