He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
