Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.