so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
