He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
