Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!