Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
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they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
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You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.