Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!