I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
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Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
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Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.