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I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
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