I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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