Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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