it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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