they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
