you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
