just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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