Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
