Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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