so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
