theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
