My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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