Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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