Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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