how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
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Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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