If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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