Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
