God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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