Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
