Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
