Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
