never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can I color on your dick again?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
