if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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