So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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