I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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