i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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