So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
