Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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