she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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