Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
