am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
