we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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