I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
