if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
