He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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