Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
