That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
