Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
