very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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