Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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