It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
