Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
