We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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