I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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