Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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