I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
