did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
