dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
